6/02/2012

Pushing Myself

    I don’t know why I’m writing about this now that it’s summer, but it’s in my head, so I’m going to type it out . . .
    Going to college has not inspired me to work hard. I go to a very small, rural community college. With the exception of my chemistry teacher and my piano teacher, all of the teachers have extremely low expectations and do their jobs very poorly. I get As with barely any effort, which does not motivate me to study hard. My brother and I both graduated from highschool early, so we are younger than the other students and we astound everybody (which is very uncomfortable, in case you were wondering.) We are exceptional students because we show up for every class and we hand in all of our assignments. Apparently that is quite unusual. The sad thing is, college is easier than home-schooling with my mom. There’s days when I feel like I am slowly spiraling down, down, and down. It sometimes seems like I’m watching all of my knowledge and all of my work ethic (all that exists of it) swirl down the drain.
    I’ve probably mentioned before that I am not a natural-born hard worker. Unlike my mother’s side of the family, I have zero tendencies towards working myself to death. (That statement would definitely make my family members laugh or groan, because it’s true.) I go with the flow, I do things at my own pace, I’m relaxed and easygoing.
    What I’m trying to say is this: I am terrified of being strict with myself. I have seen too many people hurt by legalism, and I have seen too many people squash their own personalities. I think it’s a good thing that I allow myself to be who I am, and I think it’s a good thing that I don’t beat myself up over silly mistakes. But you know what? I’m starting to realize that I don’t have a problem with beating myself up. I have a problem with having low expectations for myself.
    To some extent, I have the same problem with my church. I hear lots and lots about God accepting sinners, but I don’t hear much about obeying his commandments. Don’t get me wrong! I’m a huge fan of grace. I’ve been places where they never talked about grace, and that is an awful place to be. Obviously I’m still over-compensating for it. The thing is, there’s a balance. You can never, ever, ever make it without grace. On that point I am adamant. But you do need a little bit of  “Buck up, and follow God’s commands.” Does that make sense? I hope it does.
    I’m beginning to realize that I don’t have people in my life who push me. Besides my parents. (Hi, parents-who-are-probably-reading-this!) The hard thing is, I don’t like pushing myself. It practically kills me, and I’m not even good at it. Lol! But what I’m hoping for myself is that I will begin to work on that. I want to be a hard worker, and I want to do my share. I don’t want to be scared of reading my Bible every day, because you know . . that could turn into legalism, and I might beat myself up if I fail. ;)
    So anyway. As far as the school thing goes, I'm not trying to brag. I actually don't like talking about school very much. I don't like sounding like I'm super smart. Also, this isn't something that I struggle with every day, and it's not something that's a huge issue. This is just me being real and admitting that I need to work on it a little. It’s also me saying that life needs to be balanced. This doesn’t apply to you if you’re always tough on yourself. If you’re a workaholic or someone who beats yourself up, then loosen up for Pete’s sake! Give yourself a break. You’ll be a lot happier. =)

Guys, June is going to be a crazy and unpredictable month, so don't expect too much. We're headed to Illinois again, and we'll probably be gone for three to four days. More on that later . . .  

6 comments:

  1. i know exactly how you feel.
    fo shizzle.
    ;)

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  2. man wow, I really liked this post. I really *understood* this post. Especially the part about NOT being a workaholic. Seriously. And the parts about being yourself. And not being legalistic. And not pushing yourself. Yes. And yes again. I know what you mean.

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  3. Oh, this post is just lovely. It's okay if you can't be strict with yourself, because if you push yourself too hard it's going to have a bad result. Just be happy and do what you love to do xx
    -Jianine

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  4. School is sooo much easier than homeschooling, it's almost funny. I can so identify. You've also inspired me for my post today--thank you SO much! ;)

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  5. I get you. There are times, indeed, when I am afraid of having to do so much...and for what, really? But it's amazing to see our potential in work, and sometimes, to bring out that amazing work, it takes a bit of the *pushing* :)

    Very inspiring post. Made my day. Made me think. Thank you, Lidya. :)

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  6. Thanks for your encouraging comments =) Good to know someone read and understood it.

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